六十岁生日怎么过？杰里米亲自告诉你

六十岁生日怎么过？杰里米亲自告诉你

实习翻译 / _SAMWANG校对 / P10（@page10rock）

整编自杰里米·克拉克森《太阳报》专栏 本专栏仅保留原文有效部分

Crappy birthday to me

祝我生日“乐”色

2020年4月11日

It’s my 60th birthday today. No friends will come over, I’ll get no presents and I won’t even see my children.

今天是我60岁生日。没有朋友会来，没有人送我礼物，我甚至见不到我的孩子。

“多么值得庆祝的日子啊，离切尔西血洗利兹联已经整整50年了”

But I won’t moan because I’m not sitting in a tower block with diabetes, waiting for the coronavirus to sneak through the letterbox and turn me into a statistic. Also, I do have a lot of wine and a small tin of caviar I’ve been saving.

但我不会抱怨，因为至少我现在不是身患糖尿病坐在高楼里，等着新冠病毒从信箱里溜进来，把我变成疫情日报上的一个数字。而且，我还存着很多酒和一小罐鱼子酱可以享用。

什么？

就这？专栏最低字数都没凑齐嘞！

不过没关系，那就接着看他老人家对把蝙蝠作为食物的看法吧。

Over the years, I’ve eaten and drunk all sorts of things you won’t find on the menu in ­McDonald’s.I’ve had a tarantula, a sparrow, a grasshopper, a frog, a kangaroo, a puffin, a bit of whale with some grated guillemot on it, and once I got hog-whimperingly drunk on snake-bile vodka.

这么多年来，我尝过各种麦当劳菜单上找不到的东西。我曾吃过狼蛛、麻雀、蚱蜢、青蛙、袋鼠、海雀、一小块还沾着些磨碎海鸠的鲸鱼，也曾痛饮蛇胆伏特加至坠入意识的深渊。

绿组Logo好像是麦当劳Logo的翻车版本？

The most revolting thing was a seven-day egg. It came in a shell, like an egg, and you cooked it in a pan of boiling water, like an egg. But inside, all jumbled up with the eggy bits, there was an eye, and a bit of beak, and half a foot and a couple of feathers. It tasted and smelled even worse than it looked – and it looked disgusting.

最令人恶心的是一颗孵化七天的鸡蛋（此时幼鸡身体的各部分已经开始形成，类似于国内的“活珠子”）。它与正常鸡蛋一样带壳；像正常鸡蛋一样在沸水中煮后食用。然而蛋壳之内，所有东西都混在一起：一只眼睛，一部分鸟嘴，还有半只脚和几根羽毛。这只鸡蛋的味道和气味甚至比卖相还要糟糕——即使它看起来已经很恶心了。

毛蛋，出处：GT S04E01

The worst thing I ever ate, however, was a bat. They’d put it in quite a good curry, so the taste wasn’t so bad, but the bones? It was like I was eating a cemetery. You poke and you prod at your next mouthful until you are absolutely certain there are no bones in it. But when you bite down, you realise you’ve missed about seven hundred. That’s what a bat is made from: two wings, some sonar, and half a billion very small bones.

然而，我吃过的最糟糕的东西是蝙蝠。他们把它和优质咖喱一起烹饪，所以味道不是很差，但是蝙蝠骨头的口感让我觉得我似乎在咀嚼坟墓。你会捅来捅去仔仔细细剔骨头直到你确定已经把所有骨头剃干净了，但当你一口咬下去的时候，还是会发现漏了大概700根。这就是蝙蝠的组成:一双翅膀，一些声纳，以及五亿块小骨头。

死掉的蝙蝠，出处：GT S01E04

This is good news for the planet. Because if the coronavirus really was caused by someone eating a bat, we can be pretty damn sure that he won’t ever be eating another.

这对世界人民来说是个好消息。因为如果新冠肺炎疫情真的是由人吃蝙蝠引起的，我们可以非常确定他永远不会有胃口再吃第二只了。

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